To Beat Porn, Reclaim Desire
There’s a current article at Relevant titled “Porn Could’ve Wrecked My Marriage,” which tells the story — at least part of the story — that many men know so well.
The author, after a pattern of consistent porn use, entered his marriage with expectations that were far from realistic. As he says, he “assumed marriage would fix” his desire for porn. He also thought that it would erase his memories of porn he had viewed prior to saying “I do.”
He “bought the lie” that sex was going to be just as he had seen it portrayed in the movies he had watched for years.
Many of us know this situation all too well. i thought that my struggles with lust and porn would disappear once i was able to have sex with my wife. And just like the author of the Relevant article, i learned that wasn’t how things worked.
The author then describes two specific ways that porn hurt his marriage. First, he said:
My pornography-laden past caused a fracture in my assurance as a husband. There are times I feel unworthy of my wife due to my past sins. There are times I feel unsure of my ability to please her—both in the bedroom and outside.
i totally get that.
He also said that porn placed unfair expectations on his wife.
I went into marriage believing that my wife would do whatever I wanted, and that she would be excited about hours of endless sex. I wanted my wife to be a mindless toy like those portrayed in the movies I watched.
These are inevitable consequences of a life lived in pornography.
The author goes on to say, however, that there is good news. And, of course, the good news is hinted at in the title of the piece. Porn could’ve wrecked his marriage. It didn’t, which means the author’s story is hopeful.
So many men actually do wreck their marriages through pornography, and every one of those stories is tragic.
There is good news, as the author points out at the end of the article. His words are urgent, and clearly meant to inspire the reader. i applaud the author and his journey. i am cheering for him to live a life free from porn.
As i do so, i think about this quote towards the end of the article:
You cannot change your past, but Christ can offer you a new life and a better future. Chase Him. Cling to Him. Let Him be your standard of character, and flee the temptation to fix your eyes on anything other than Him.
Christ can and does offer new life and a better future. Absolutely true. Jesus is our standard of character and it is good and right to flee temptation. Again, true and true.
At the same time, there is something i would like to add.
Grace, salvation, and redemption are beautiful and essential. We do not have a life-giving connection with God without those things. But Jesus didn’t die on the cross to be our standard of character. He didn’t save us so we could be moral.
Christ offers new life. What is that new life? It is restoration at the level of the soul. It is a coming alive to, well, Life itself. It is a rebirth of desire.
Yes, desire. That tricky thing that got us into trouble with porn in the first place. We can’t live without thirst and desire. And Jesus doesn’t want us to.
Jesus made it clear: “The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” (John 10:10).
He also said: “If anyone thirsts, let him come to me and drink. Whoever believes in me, as the Scripture has said, ‘Out of his heart will flow rivers of living water.’” (John 7:37-38).
Unless we live out of the promise and reality of a healed heart which is good — flowing with rivers of living water — we are merely holding on, trying not to sin. But that’s not what Jesus is after. And anyway, a life of trying not to sin is a sure way to fall back into sin.
He wants to cause rivers of living water to flow from our hearts.
i wholeheartedly agree with the author’s point that we should fix our eyes on Jesus, based on Hebrews 12:1-2. That passage is a great portion of scripture and it is an important charge to all believers. We need to throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles so we can run with perseverance the race marked out for us.
It’s just that we can only run in the path of His commands — the race marked out for us, if you will — when our hearts are free (Ps. 119:32).
Jesus redeems our desire and makes it possible to love Him with our whole hearts.
Intentional Warriors 
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