And that is one of the reasons pornography has such a powerful pull on those who watch it.  In scene after scene, whether in film or in a magazine, the woman pictured is acting like she wants you. Either she is posing in such a way as to  explicitly invite you in, or she is implicitly saying that she wants you simply by performing for the camera.

It’s all a lie, of course. But the power of it is overwhelming.

Seriously. Pornography is about much deeper things than women showing their naked bodies.

What pornography communicates to us is that we have “won” this beautiful woman and now she will give herself to us. She is saying ” i want you.” She wants me so much she will do just about anything.

It’s all a lie, of course. But the power of it is overwhelming.

It’s overwhemlming because as men we have a deep and powerful desire to win the heart of The Woman. And if we as men do not know how to balance that desire with the truth that we get our ultimate validation as men from God, then we are prone to get swept away by porn’s impossible promise.

It’s all a lie, of course.  And as overwhelming as it is, the lie is no match for the truth.

The truth is:  The Woman can never give you your masculinity and identity. God does that when He tells you who you truly are as His son.  His words are true affirmation and validation.

Some believers seem afraid of the topic and never want to discuss Satan’s activity at all for fear they will be “giving Satan too much credit.” They simply emphasize over and over that God is sovereign and so, they say, there really is no need to mention Satan at all. This attitude has contributed to Satan’s ability to tempt, harass and accuse people while remaining undetected.

Others feel very comfortable with the topic and are equally comfortable attributing various circumstances of life to Satan. At times it’s hard to tell if those same believers take any personal responsibility for their choices, or if they blame The Enemy even for their own sin. This attitude has kept people from dealing with the reality of their personal choices.

What has been lost in the polarization of the issue is the Biblical understanding that The Enemy is real and active; the kingdom of darkness does wage war against the Kingdom of Light. As a sampling, consider Luke 4:1-13, John 14:30, Ephesians 6:10-18, Colossians 1:13-14, 1 John 5:19 and Revelation 12.

When dealing with pornography addiction, it’s impossible to find freedom without engaging The Enemy.

It bears repeating:

The addiction to pornography is demonic at its core, because pornography is a deceptive distortion of God’s good gift of sex. There is only one Father of Lies, and he must be battled not with weapons made of flesh and blood, but with the diving power that demolishes strongholds.

So long as we fight in the flesh, trying to be more holy and diligent not to look at porn even though we really want to, we will fail. Pornography, for the addict, is a Satanic stronghold. It must be addressed as such and demolished as such.

John Eldredge has some great resources on engaging in spiritual warfare. And part of my personal growth in this area was fostered by developing an understanding of the larger story in which we live, which Eldredge describes artfully in Epic.

As we learn to take authority in Christ over the work of The Evil One [Colossians 2:9-15], we engage in the deeper battle that lies at the heart of our pornography addiction.

Sure it’s hard, but most men eventually get it that unless they come clean about their addiction to porn, nothing will change. And they can usually see the benefit of having a band of brothers. While many men will resist the idea of dealing with their wounds, over time — in the company of their band of brothers — men normally find the strength to venture into that intimidating territory.

But the final point, the need to engage The Enemy, Satan, in battle, so often gets lost, overlooked or deliberately neglected.  Some men, for theological or other reasons, want to talk about their entire life as a Christian as though the Evil One does not even exist.  Others, willing to admit that Satan is real, insist that he has no real power and generally does not operate in our lives.

Scripture tells a different story.

1  Peter 5:8-9 says:

⁸ Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. ⁹ Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

2 Corinthians 10:3-5 says:

³ For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. ⁴ The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. ⁵ We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

Elsewhere in scripture Paul tells us to put on the full armor of God so that we can stand firm against the Devil’s schemes. What Peter, Paul and the rest of scripture understood was that there is a real Enemy, one who hates us fiercely, and we are to go through this world prepared for battle on the spiritual level.  The strength we fight with is not our own, it is Christ’s, who conquered death and made a spectacle of the prinicipalities and powers of Darkness.

But to say that Christ has won the victory over Satan as a result of His death on the cross and the resurrection does not negate the reality that still we are called to engage The Enemy through prayer and the renouncing of strongholds.

For many years this was the component of my personal battle with porn addiction which was missing altogether.  i was crazy in the way i constantly battled the addiction in my flesh, relying on my own strength and will power. The addiction to pornography is demonic at its core, because pornography is a deceptive distortion of God’s good gift of sex. There is only one Father of Lies, and he must be battled not with weapons made of flesh and blood, but with the diving power that demolishes strongholds.

Image via CrunchBase

Porn has slowly become treated as a right in our culture and anything that would threaten its existence, such as the decision by the Los Angeles County Council to mandate the use of condoms in porn films, has prompted the Twitter action.

Consistently, visitors to this site find it using a combination of search terms involving “free, “Droid” and “porn,” which i have written about before.

At one time i would have reacted the same way, although i wouldn’t have expressed it outwardly. i had to have my porn. That was one sure sign i was addicted.

What i didn’t realize was that it had me round the throat and was slowly taking my life.

Time helps in many ways, but if we never bring the truth of God to bear on the pain of our lives, particularly as porn addicts, then real freedom and change won’t happen in our lives.

Consequently, men who want to be free must deal with the wounds of their past.  This is why it’s one of the 4 crucial practices of intentional warriors. For all people there are many types of ways we can be hurt emotionally.  Our hearts are wounded from verbal and physical abuse, as well as simply the harsh treatment we often receive in this world.

For men dealing with porn addiction, it’s crucial as well to recognize the ways in which we have been wounded by our respective fathers. We are not out to blame our dads for our addiction or anything like that. Rather, we are simply acknowledging that even the best fathers are flawed; therefore, they wound their children.

i know that i have wounded mine.

Masculine identity issues and a craving for affirmation are at the heart of porn addiction, so men who need to be free must take a journey into the pain of their wounds and hear the loving, affirming words of God the Father so that they can receive healing.

Every porn addict, if he is to be set free, needs God to tell him who he truly is. God bestows identity and purpose. If a man is to really know that he is a man, and that porn has nothing to offer him, it will happen when God brings deep healing to the places where masculinity has been wounded _ or even outright stolen.

Image via Wikipedia

In the last couple of posts i have been talking about the 4 crucial practices of intentional warriors.  Men who want to be free from the snare of pornography addiction and a life dominated by lust have to fight for it. And in order to fight well, a man must have a band of brothers.

Once a man has come clean and  told his wife / fiance the truth about his involvement, he then needs to gather with other men — even if there is only one man — who can know the details of the addict’s story and walk with him toward healing.

In my journey i had  a couple different men who were right there at the epicenter, the moment when all hell broke loose in my life and my marriage.  And just a few months later i was able to get into a group for men who were addicts and were studying the Bible to apply its truth to the struggle for purity.

i leaned very heavily on all of those male relationships in the first couple of years following the admission that i was an addict.

Contrary to what many people think, calling yourself a pornography addict does not absolve you of responsibility for your actions.  There is a gross misconception that using the term “addict” is like a get-out-of-jail-free card.

Not so.  Using “addict” in relation to pornography or sex simply describes the nature of the beast. The beast must be slain.  We must pick up the sword and learn from God, the Master of the Sword, how to slay the dragon.

The healing i received in those early 2-3 years of the journey was the result of authentic accountability.  Men asked me direct questions and  didn’t let me give vauge answers:  something all addicts are experts at doing.  But also crucial was the fact that the accountability came within the context of a band of brothers: men who loved me.

i had faked my way through accountability for 12 years.  That time had come to an end. It’s time all men refused to pretend, and play a game of purposeful vaugness.

Then and now, a band of brothers has made all the difference.

The first and most basic practice is coming clean, bringing the truth of our behavior into the light so that it is no longer hidden.

And while this is the first step of a long journey, it is _ like all 4 practices _ something that must become a way of life.

Intentional Warriors need to live in a state of honesty and disclosure because, with our addictive patterns in the past, we are too accustomed to secrecy.

Through the years many men i have talked to about coming clean have balked at the idea for numerous reasons.  Some argued that they didn’t need to tell their wives or fiances because, as women, they wouldn’t understand anyway. Moreoever, these men said, the addiction was just something to be worked on privately.

Others contended that there simply wasn’t a good time to open up, and doing so would crush their wives / finances so terribly that the men refused. i used to excuse my double life that very same way. i actually thought i was being noble back in those days because i was sparing my wife the pain.

i wasn’t noble at all. i was self-protective and unwilling to experience the pain that honesty would bring.

The night of my confession, where i admitted to my wife that i had a pornography addiction, was one of the most emotionally painful experiences of my life. But i wouldn’t be free today without going through with that brutal disclosure.

And we all want freedom, every single one of us.

Through the years staying free has required that i practice full disclosure of the things are tempting me, or times when i have masturbated to a trusted man _ or group of men.  And, i have confessed to my wife those same things.

Practicing that level of honesty has kept me from returning to old patters of behavior, or reverting to destructive coping mechanisms over the course of this journey.

Coming clean and living clean are essential elements for experiencing freedom from pornography.

Sin thrives in secrecy.  Keeping our addictive behavior hidden in the darkness guarantees that it will never stop.  The addictive cycle, the death, the isolation and further indulgence which deepens porn’s hold on us continue as long as we hide.

Once the addiction is brought into the light, fully, there is the opportunity for real change.

For years the counselor i was seeing for issues other than porn addiction would tell me — on those rare occassions when i told him i had gone to an adult bookstore, or looked at porn — that i needed to confess it to my wife.

i stubbornly refused. i didn’t even tell the full story to another man.  it was too shameful, and i had too much to lose — i thought — by opening up about my porn use.

But staying in the shadows only meant that the addiction worsened.

After i was exposed, and the whole story of what i was into came out, healing began. There have been more steps in the journey toward freedom, but it all began by shedding light on the addiction.

Every man needs four things to experience freedom. These are the practices of Intentional Warriors:

1. He needs to come clean about this addiction to his wife (if he has one) or his fiance if he is engaged. It’s a judgment call as to how much he needs to say to a woman he is seriously dating but not yet engaged to. However, the woman should know something about what he is dealing with.
2. He needs to find a group of men who know his story and are committed to walking with him toward healing by practicing total honesty and disclosure. That’s the setting for authentic accountability, the kind that really makes a difference.
3. He needs to deal with the wounds of his past, particularly wounds he has received from his father.
4. He must engage in spiritual warfare and the renouncing of Enemy strongholds through prayer.

And then these four practices become a way of life into the future.

Certainly there is growing statistical information which indicates that women get addicted to pornography, and Crystal Renaud of Dirty Girls Ministries is one example. Renaud cites statistics that put the level of porn addiction among women at 18 to 20 percent. That’s much higher than i would have guessed, but that’s the percentage she quotes.

Nevertheless, that still means that more men are hooked on porn, and that means that a large percentage of women will continue to be astonished by the struggles men face.

Once when i was watching television with my wife, and ad came on for a show and the promo featured some shots of young women in bikinis.  My wife, frustrated, turned to me with disdain and said: “Don’t you men ever get tired of that?”

i paused, trying to think of a good way to help her appreciate the draw men feel.

Then i said: “Do you ever get tired of chocolate?”

The look on her face said it all.  Something clicked for her.  Not everybody struggles with the same things, but we all have some struggle that can be overwhelming.

i was not excusing porn addiction by any means.  And i never will. There is a place, however, for understanding our brokenness and extending grace.

Years ago my wife surprised me with a direct question about my use of pornography. What followed that question is known in our marriage as “The Confession.” The brutal truth of my long addiction came to light and a long, painful journey of healing began. As God has brought healing into my life, there are five key lessons I have learned, and each one has been crucial to my freedom.

Lesson 1: I Had Been Lied To…

My culture, influenced by pornography, had told me all sorts of lies about how normal it was to indulge sexual lust. Even though I was a Christian who knew wasn’t supposed to lust, I still allowed myself to be persuaded that my urges were a sign of being a healthy man who had a normal sex drive. Sure, I wasn’t supposed to look at porn, or masturbate to sexual fantasies, but the pull of pornography was so powerful there was simply no way to resist it.

But it wasn’t just secular culture that had lied to me. Christian culture had as well. During those moments when I felt convicted about my sin, other Christians counseled me by saying that the best I could hope for would be a life in which I managed to keep it from getting out of control. There was no discussion of actual freedom.

At one point in college I confided in a leader of my campus ministry that one of my goals for the school year was to experience victory over lust and masturbation. His response was: “It’ll never happen.” I realize now that I made a horrible agreement with that lie back in college and I lived under it for a long, long time.

Lesson 2: Real Change Is Really Possible…

Shortly after The Confession, I realized that my theology had been warped. I had come to believe that God actually didn’t transform people. I used to read verses that spoke of new life and new creation (2 Corinthians 5:17, Romans 6:4 and Revelation 21:5), and I never thought that what God was talking about was actual change.

The Christians I knew never really talked about transformation, and when we encountered these verses in Scripture, they were usually explained away using some sort of language of religiosity, so that I never saw what was plain: God changes people. The pattern throughout Scripture is one in which people leave behind their former way of life and cling to the hope and promise of being made new and clean in Christ. I had missed that somehow. I had missed the fact that the “newness” being spoken of was actually accessible to me.

Lesson 3: …But You Will Have To Fight For It…

Anything worth having is worth fighting for. This is certainly true of freedom. Moreover, God identifies Himself as a warrior in Exodus 15:3, and since I bear His image, that means I am a warrior as well. I had been taught all my life that I should be the world’s nicest guy, and that meant I had no idea how to fight for something that was important.

At my first counseling appointment after The Confession, the counselor asked me straight up: “How bad do you want to be free?” He challenged me to adopt the attitude that I would do whatever it took to be rid of porn and win back the trust of my wife. The counselor was calling me out; attempting to awaken the warrior within me. It worked.

Lesson 4: You Must Engage In Spiritual Warfare…

There is a reason Paul tells us in Ephesians 6 to put on the armor of God. There is a reason why Peter advises us to be alert that Satan prowls about like a roaring lion seeking someone to devour in 1 Peter 5. We have a real enemy and he hates us intensely because we are the image of God.

Fortunately, we have a conquering God. Nevertheless, in our daily experience we still face the temptations presented to us by our Enemy who is constantly lying to us about where life is to be found. In the days, months and years that followed The Confession, I have learned how to pray against the work of the Evil One and break the strongholds I have allowed him to build in my life, focusing on 2 Corinthians 10:3-5. It has been crucial.

Lesson 5: It Really Is A Matter Of Life And Death…

On the night of The Confession, God made it clear for the first time that my involvement with porn was actually killing me and my marriage. The rage, disgust, anguish, despair and intense pain I saw my wife experience as I told her about my addiction was a visual representation of the Scriptural reality that sin brings death. Getting free, God told me, was a matter of life and death. It clicked for me that night. I started reflecting on all the ways I had brought death into my life or my marriage by indulging in pornography. I saw how my attitude, my selfishness, my treatment of others and the ways I had failed to be an authentic man had all been shaped by looking at pornography. And I realized that if continued with pornography there was a very good chance that I would end up in a situation where I would be in physical danger as I looked for riskier forms of indulgence.

But the journey away from porn has been lifegiving every step of the way. I am truly alive now because of the freedom God brings. I recognize that every temptation to lust or look at porn is an issue of life and death and I am called to be a warrior in the image of my God, fighting for purity and freedom.