fighting for free hearts

And Yet More On The Journey

i have been asked by many people what made the difference between attempts to change, which were numerous throughout my past, and then the Real Change which was ushered in through that fateful conversation with my wife.

There are many components to it. i had tried numerous times to conquer my addiction. Each time i had failed miserably. There were some aspects of this time which were unique, however.  First, i was outed. And when sin is brought into the light, the power is broken. Second, i was weary. Sin made me weary. Third, i had had a series of strange experiences in the year preceding the fateful conversation which shook me regarding pornography. i see now that God was breaking in and rattling my cage in preparation for a moment like what happened that night with my wife.

i was also greatly motivated to change because my wife was livid. i bore her wrath _ which i saw then, and still see now, as appropriate. In fact, my wife’s fury was God’s gift to me — as strange as that sounds. And she took her time to work through it. Neither one of us said it out loud, but we weren’t sure the marriage was going to make it. She considered it adultery and she talked to one friend about it in terms of divorce.

i was scared to death; terrified. i realized it was a matter of life and death. Really. i am not being melodramatic here.

Porn was consuming me and would have devoured my life, killing me spiritually, emotionally and _ very possibly _ physically. i was willing to take bigger and bigger risks to get my drug, and that could have turned very ugly.

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