fighting for free hearts

The Last Time I Visited An Adult Bookstore

In the podcast interview my wife and i did with Covenant Eyes i talked about an experience i had visiting and adult bookstore short before the fateful conversation when everything about my pornography addiction came out in the open. As it turns out, it was the last time i ever went to that type of store.

The story is a bit long to retell in full here, but there are many interesting aspects to the story. i remember well that on the night i was agitated and unable to enjoy the material. It was as though my “old friend” was letting me down. In truth, that’s exactly what was happening. And i was seized with utter panic at the thought that i might be stuck at an adult bookstore and be “found out” if i had to call for roadside assistance with my car which had broken down. Or, at least i thought my car had broken down.

But one of the most interesting things about that night actually happened before i ever got to the adult bookstore. It is thickly ironic, as well as hypocritical, that just an hour or so before stopping in at the bookstore, i had been speaking to a group of Christian college students about meaning and purpose in life. i told them that only in Jesus could those things be found.

But that public speaking experience, rather than being a source of strength and encouragement to me as the one giving the talk, turned out to be part of the triggering event which got me thinking about indulging my porn habit. i still remember that i had wanted the audience to be impressed with my presentation. And when the response was tepid, i started a slow descent into self loathing and self doubt. Within 20 minutes of finishing the talk, i was in freefall and already thinking about medicating the emotional pain with my usual drug of choice: pornography.

Like so many times before, the pornography was only the context for the deeper issues of my heart; my wounds and my pain, to manifest themselves. What really drove me to pornography that night was not sex at all. It was as search for life and meaning and purpose.

If we are to deal with the entrenched habit of indulging pornography, we must see the deeper issues. Like a geologist examining an iceberg, we must understand that only 10 percent of the berg is above the waterline. The essence of that iceberg; similarly the essence of my pornography addiction, lay below the waterline.

This is true for every addict. In order to heal our hearts, we must get below the waterline to face the deep wounds of our souls.

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