fighting for free hearts

The End Of The World? Not.

All the talk about the end of the world, which Harold Camping told us would come on May 21, reminded me of the time when i would have been quite happy to see it all go.

Right after my addiction came to light in my marriage, i was traveling on business.

The revelation of my heavy involvement with porn was only a couple days old and i was flying back home from a brief trip for work.

It all looked really bleak.

As i flew home i was scared to go back.  i thought: “it would be okay with me if this plane simply crashed.”

i have never been suicidal, but the thought that a quick death would take away all that i was fearing was somewhat strong as i sat there wondering about what it would be like to see my wife again.

As soon as the the thought of perishing crossed my mind, it essentially went right on through, actually, but there was a moment where it seemed favorable.

i could not have been more wrong.  Yes, i was scared. And rightly so. Life was about to become more brutal than i could have imagined. It seemed like the end of the world, but it was not.

And it is not for any man who would deal with his addiction to pornography, lust and masturbation.

But the redemption; the renewal; and the restoration that awaited me and my marriage were absolutely worth walking through the fire. God had many things for me to learn and grow into: for example, a real man.

Many good things awaited me on the other side of the pain i would endure.

And what would that have been like for my wife and children had i died in flight?  For her it would have been agony:  the brand new revelation that her husband had been a porn addict for the first many years of her marriage would have been a weight too heavy to carry.  The anger, defeat, sense of betrayal and confusion about what her marriage had been would have haunted her forever without resolution.

And my children would have grown up without a father, setting them up for their own addictions and defeats.

Many good things awaited me, and still do.

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