Doug responds to my last post about Lance Armstrong:
Based on the last paragraph, how do we know you are still not ‘hiding’ anything, right?
Fair point. Great question.
On one hand, there is no way to know. Nothing i write in the form of a blog post can prove anything to anyone.
On the other hand i can say that the process of confessing my sin and then submitting to the humiliation that brought in my marriage, and in the relationships i had with close friends, was part of a massive change in me. And i strive everyday to live openly with my wife and a band of brothers who take this journey with me. i have not returned to porn. i am changed.
In the early days of the journey, immediately after the Confession, i was fortunate to have a counselor who worked with me. i also attended a small group Bible study that aggressively dealt with the issues leading to the sin, and i submitted to penetrating accountability. All those things combined to expose me, break me and then re-shape me.
Moreover, my life became more structured and accountable — and still is. Before, i resisted internet filtering on the home computer. Now, we have a really good one. i don’t have a smart phone. i live differently.
But also, the process of addressing my porn habit and bringing the power of God against it for the first time — really — affected me at the level of desire. i used to want porn very much. That’s different now. If i am tempted, i am quickly reminded of the destruction porn brought to my marriage and my life. i hate the man i became when i watched porn. Porn made me a passive, disgusting wimp and a poser. As i write in my book, Intentional Warriors: Fighting For Purity And Freedom In A Sexually Saturated Society, porn made me like Colonel Upham in the climatic scene of Saving Private Ryan.
As i said, nothing i post here can prove to anyone that i am clean and not hiding something. i can say that people who watched me go through the breaking process saw something in me change. Not because i told them i was different, but because they observed my life.
But Doug’s question is the right question. Hiding is no longer an option. i have to be committed to living a life that is transparent. And i am committed to that.