Am i Still Hiding? A Reader Asks

Doug responds to my last post about Lance Armstrong:

Based on the last paragraph, how do we know you are still not ‘hiding’ anything, right?

Fair point. Great question.

On one hand, there is no way to know. Nothing i write in the form of a blog post can prove anything to anyone.

On the other hand i can say that the process of confessing my sin and then submitting to the humiliation that brought in my marriage, and in the relationships i had with close friends, was part of a massive change in me.  And i strive everyday to live openly with my wife and a band of brothers who take this journey with me. i have not returned to porn. i am changed.

question-mark9

In the early days of the journey, immediately after the Confession, i was fortunate to have a counselor who worked with me.  i also attended a small group Bible study that aggressively dealt with the issues leading to the sin, and i submitted to penetrating accountability. All those things combined to expose me, break me and then re-shape me.

Moreover, my life became more structured and accountable — and still is. Before, i resisted internet filtering on the home computer.  Now, we have a really good one. i don’t have a smart phone. i live differently.

But also, the process of addressing my porn habit and bringing the power of God against it for the first time — really — affected me at the level of desire. i used to want porn very much. That’s different now. If i am tempted, i am quickly reminded of the destruction porn brought to my marriage and my life. i hate the man i became when i watched porn.  Porn made me a passive, disgusting wimp and a poser. As i write in my book, Intentional Warriors: Fighting For Purity And Freedom In A Sexually Saturated Society, porn made me like Colonel Upham in the climatic scene of Saving Private Ryan.

As i said, nothing i post here can prove to anyone that i am clean and not hiding something. i can say that people who watched me go through the breaking process saw something in me change. Not because i told them i was different, but because they observed my life.

But Doug’s question is the right question. Hiding is no longer an option. i have to be committed to living a life that is transparent. And i am committed to that.

4 Responses to “Am i Still Hiding? A Reader Asks”

  1. Castimonia

    If we are not honest, we are not sober. No sense in lying about it if I am not committed to sexual purity. I take yearly polygraphs, at first, for my wife, but now for myself and my practice of rigorous honesty. It’s not 100% but it’s all we have.

    Reply
    • james tarring cordrey

      annual polygraphs. that’s serious. i would be curious to know more about that.

      Reply
      • Castimonia

        It was part of my 3-day intensive that included a full clinical disclosure to my wife. I took a polygraph after the disclosure in order to “force” me to be 100% honest about my acting out behaviors. I use the word force, because early on, I believe what all sex addicts believe – that if she really knew who I was, she wouldn’t love me. These are just the lies the enemy tells to us on a daily basis.

        I had a 3 month follow-up then every year since. At first, I felt negativity about the polygraph, but now, I use it as a tool to help ME practice rigorous honesty. In my recovery program, I must practice rigorous honesty over any “sobriety” I might claim to have. Otherwise, I will become sick again – as sick as my secrets.

      • james tarring cordrey

        that’s commendable. i pray you and your wife are strengthened by that practice and i pray it turns out to be a goad that drives you to purity.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

w

Connecting to %s

Basic HTML is allowed. Your email address will not be published.

Subscribe to this comment feed via RSS

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: