fighting for free hearts

Am i Still Hiding? A Reader Asks

Doug responds to my last post about Lance Armstrong:

Based on the last paragraph, how do we know you are still not ‘hiding’ anything, right?

Fair point. Great question.

On one hand, there is no way to know. Nothing i write in the form of a blog post can prove anything to anyone.

On the other hand i can say that the process of confessing my sin and then submitting to the humiliation that brought in my marriage, and in the relationships i had with close friends, was part of a massive change in me.  And i strive everyday to live openly with my wife and a band of brothers who take this journey with me. i have not returned to porn. i am changed.

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In the early days of the journey, immediately after the Confession, i was fortunate to have a counselor who worked with me.  i also attended a small group Bible study that aggressively dealt with the issues leading to the sin, and i submitted to penetrating accountability. All those things combined to expose me, break me and then re-shape me.

Moreover, my life became more structured and accountable — and still is. Before, i resisted internet filtering on the home computer.  Now, we have a really good one. i don’t have a smart phone. i live differently.

But also, the process of addressing my porn habit and bringing the power of God against it for the first time — really — affected me at the level of desire. i used to want porn very much. That’s different now. If i am tempted, i am quickly reminded of the destruction porn brought to my marriage and my life. i hate the man i became when i watched porn.  Porn made me a passive, disgusting wimp and a poser. As i write in my book, Intentional Warriors: Fighting For Purity And Freedom In A Sexually Saturated Society, porn made me like Colonel Upham in the climatic scene of Saving Private Ryan.

As i said, nothing i post here can prove to anyone that i am clean and not hiding something. i can say that people who watched me go through the breaking process saw something in me change. Not because i told them i was different, but because they observed my life.

But Doug’s question is the right question. Hiding is no longer an option. i have to be committed to living a life that is transparent. And i am committed to that.

4 Responses to “Am i Still Hiding? A Reader Asks”

  1. Castimonia

    If we are not honest, we are not sober. No sense in lying about it if I am not committed to sexual purity. I take yearly polygraphs, at first, for my wife, but now for myself and my practice of rigorous honesty. It’s not 100% but it’s all we have.

    Reply
    • james tarring cordrey

      annual polygraphs. that’s serious. i would be curious to know more about that.

      Reply
      • Castimonia

        It was part of my 3-day intensive that included a full clinical disclosure to my wife. I took a polygraph after the disclosure in order to “force” me to be 100% honest about my acting out behaviors. I use the word force, because early on, I believe what all sex addicts believe – that if she really knew who I was, she wouldn’t love me. These are just the lies the enemy tells to us on a daily basis.

        I had a 3 month follow-up then every year since. At first, I felt negativity about the polygraph, but now, I use it as a tool to help ME practice rigorous honesty. In my recovery program, I must practice rigorous honesty over any “sobriety” I might claim to have. Otherwise, I will become sick again – as sick as my secrets.

      • james tarring cordrey

        that’s commendable. i pray you and your wife are strengthened by that practice and i pray it turns out to be a goad that drives you to purity.

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