One reality of the holiday season is that for addicts of any kind, it’s easy to get triggered.
We always hear about how the holidays are tough for those who struggle with things like depression, or for those who feel lonely. Rightly so, for the pain seems to increase at this time of year for many.
Likewise, for the addict, the same pains, disappointments, family dynamics and stress can push them over the edge.
i used to act out a lot at this time of year back when i was living in my addiction.
In some ways it was the perfect storm: stress and emotional pain coupled with the holiday attitude of satisfying your desires, whatever they be. A simple shopping trip to the mall would become a selfish opportunity to feed my addiction.
At the holidays i wanted to recapture a feeling, and porn was a way to get that. i saw it as a gift to myself, as awful as that is to say. Even more horrible is the truth that i actually thought that.
In my deception i believed that porn was a reward to which i was entitled, and the holidays seemed to reinforce the idea that i deserved a gift — so why not give one to myself.
This is actually not an uncommon thought or practice at this time of year. Many people buy themselves things as they are shopping for others. And that practice, in and of itself, is not a terrible thing.
But when it is the dominant thought and it is tied to an addiction that amounts to cheating on your wife, we’re talking about something despicable. Though i never would have spoken it out loud, the desire in my heart then was for a life immersed in porn and fantasy. i was so twisted i thought that immersion in that world would be the best gift i could get.
i needed a rescue. Desperately.
i got one. The best gift ever is the healed heart i now have through the painful, yet powerful, reclamation work of God.
Happy Holidays? Yes. Emphatically, yes.