On either side of me these two realities are my constant companions as i journey through life.
Where one ends and the other begins is not always clear. Somehow, in my brokenness i see my healing, and in my healing i see my brokenness.
i despise my brokenness. i hate feeling weak. i hate not measuring up. i hate feeling inadequate. i hate the way my brokenness bullies me – or at least seems to bully me.
i want to be strong. i believe that as an imagebearer of God i am strong. It gets confusing. Who’s really the strong one?
God answers that by keeping my brokenness close by my side. It’s my brokenness that leads me to Jesus.
My brokenness is the reason i need Jesus. i cannot make life “work” on my own without Him, and i am not supposed to. If i could do that there would ne no need for Jesus.
But the truth is, Jesus is my life. He alone is my source of life and hope.
It’s easy to reach a point in my journey where the desperation of my situation wears off.
The humiliation i felt in the first weeks and months after the Confession – my disclosure of my addiction- is not at the forefront of my mind. As a result i can forget my desperate need to draw life from Christ alone.
i also run the risk of thinking that the longer i walk in true healing, the more i am the one who has healed myself.
And this is where things get tricky. Yes, i have experienced massive amounts of healing. Yes, i have worked hard in that process. Yes, things that mastered me years ago don’t crush me now. All of that is true.
However, the sin of pride is always crouching at my door.
But my brokenness is actually an antidote to pride, and this is why my brokenness is key to my healing.
My weakness confronts me and tells me over and over that my strength is no strength. In my flesh i have nothing. But my weakness compels me to throw myself on the mercy of Jesus who gives me Himself to be my strength, and thus pride is defeated.
And in this i am healed – and i am being healed. The process is ongoing.
So perhaps i should stop despising my brokenness, and perhaps i should stop hating my need & dependency on Him. Perhaps i should stop hating myself for needing Him; for the weakness that makes me incapable of being strong enough in myself.
Maybe that will free me to receive legitimate strength from Him, as i turn to Him and away from my fleshly self-sufficiency.
And in this i will be healed.