fighting for free hearts

It’s (Not) Complicated

You’ve known for a while what needs to happen, but you have been hoping the situation would just take care of itself. Some relationships can be draining, for a season, but with enough care and investment on your part, you feel as though your partner will stop being so possessive.

That’s what you’ve been counting on.

You’re a realist. You can admit that your partner has some annoying tendencies. For example, your partner demands lots of time and attention. Your partner insists that you spend a lot of money on them. And your partner isn’t someone you’d feel comfortable taking home to meet your parents; you would feel pretty embarrassed by your partner’s style in front of them.

While you recognize that these are flaws in your partner, you cut your partner some slack because, well, nobody’s perfect.

However, your partner’s clinging dominance is starting to isolate you from people who know and love you in healthy ways. Without much warning you’ve suddenly become aware that you are missing out on the breadth of relationships available to you with some truly good people who love having you around. Those friendships are strained because you’ve devoted all of your time and energy to your partner.

Even your work is starting to suffer.

But the sex. It’s pretty powerful. Your partner is constantly ready and available, and they always seem to have sexual ideas that keep you, well, practically hypnotized.

The brutal truth is you’re pretty sure it’s the best action you could get — realistically.  So you keep looking for ways to make the relationship work.

Your friends have said a thing or two about how they notice you’re different — not in a positive way — since you’ve gotten involved with your partner. At first it was just a comment here or there, but lately your friends — some of them soon-to-be former friends — sound increasingly concerned that your partner is a bad influence on you.

You see their point — sort of.

But you insist that they just don’t really understand your partner. If only they would spend a little time and get to know them things would be different. You’re pretty sure they would all get along.

And after all, the sex. How could you pass that up? Not only does your partner never say “not tonight, honey, i have a headache,” your partner is committed to avoiding emotional entanglement. Your partner wants to keep the sex hot and leave it at that.

You’re convinced it’s way better than marriage.

You’ve never been in a relationship with a partner like this, although you had often hoped you would meet a partner like this one day. All of your other relationships were so much work before. With other partners you had to listen to them share their feelings, and many times that went on for hours without any guarantee that it would lead to sex.

The sex you’re having now with this partner is the stuff of fantasy. Literally.

But in your most honest moments, in those rare times when things get quiet, you admit to yourself that something is missing. When you first started noticing that feeling, you just ran right back to your partner for more sex, and that seemed to take care of it.

But now, that move is working less and less. In fact, that hollow feeling that you used to only feel shortly after sex with your partner is starting to creep in during sex with your partner. You’re working more and more for that great sexual experience with your partner and finding it increasingly elusive.

You know what needs to happen. You need to break up with porn. You’re just having a hard time admitting it.

In the past you had broken up with it for short periods of time, but in your heart you always knew you’d get back together. Back then there was always a strong likelihood of getting back together, which actually made the break up periods less of a break up and more of a way that you proved to yourself that you were strong enough to end the relationship if you really needed to.

What if this time the break up were for good? For real? What then?

You hate the thought of being alone. You’ve come to rely on the security that your relationship with porn provides. You can’t imagine life without it. Even just the thought of giving up porn causes you to have a visceral reaction that feels like death.

The irony is that your current relationship with porn is really what’s killing you. Like a black widow spider, porn is sexually cannibalistic. The only way to avoid death is by ending the relationship.

After all, porn isn’t a faithful partner to you anyway. Porn will get involved with anybody who responds to its charms.

You know what needs to happen. You need to break up with porn.

 

2 Responses to “It’s (Not) Complicated”

  1. Christopher Mars

    Brilliant, James. Brilliant.

    The crazy thing is that even though you are describing porn, your description also characterizes my affair. For years I’ve literally said, “She was like living, breathing porn to me.”

    Well done, brother.

    Reply

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