Aching For Eternity

i am aching for Eternity.

i am aching for that time when pain and sorrow, anger and violence, lust and dissatisfaction, and envy and striving and resentment will be no more.

i am aching for beauty in its purest form; for love undefiled; for strength that is uncorrupted; and for unburdened sexuality.

i am aching for Eternity.

i long for the day when there will be no struggle of any kind; not with my internal issues; not with my temptations; not with the challenge to love other people; and not with the battle of self-hatred/self-acceptance.

i am aching for Eternity where life will be governed by ecstasy and euphoria.

And therefore, the pull of lust and porn are strong.

The illusion painted by a fantasy world of sexuality, depicted in my lustful imagination or in pornography, is so inviting because it seems to provide the ecstasy and euphoria for which i long.

Every wound, every frustration, and every sadness seem to disappear when lust and porn are present. My feelings of futility and my shame that i am less than what i should be as a man in this world have no traction in my soul when lust and porn takeover.

And takeover they do.

There is room for nothing else when porn and lust are in operation. i feel no pain, no grief, no frustration, no sadness when i am lost in lust.

Lust and porn take it all away until, well, they don’t.

The counterfeits of porn and lust cannot survive the intrusion of my pain or my dissatisfaction. They cannot keep at bay permanently my struggle with my internal issues; my self-hatred; or my envy, striving, or resentment.

Inevitably, all of my brokenness and the brokenness of the world come rushing in on any experience i have with porn and lust. And in those moments i must make a decision: go deeper into lust and porn, or turn toward wholeness and life.

If i head deeper in, i am waging war on my own soul even though the initial hit feels like anything but that. Like all idols, porn and lust demand exclusivity. They require more and more of me, and they give less and less until finally i am swallowed in shame and hopelessness as their captive.

Ecstasy remains elusive, and the more i chase it through lust and porn, the more pain and sorrow; anger and violence; and dissatisfaction i have.

The dilemma is this: something in lust and porn hints at Eternity and my heart recognizes a semblance of divinity in God’s creation even though the beauty and goodness of sexuality and union are corrupted in lust and porn.

The attraction is grounded in the fact that i am made for Eternity, and not just Eternity, but ecstasy and euphoria in Eternity.

As C.S. Lewis writes in The Screwtape Letters, Satan cannot create anything, he can only distort the good gifts God has for us. And so it is with porn and lust.

The beauty of sexuality and the glory of God’s image in us as men and women are stunning and holy and life giving. The Enemy must attack those things because they are a means of worship to God and he cannot tolerate the Father getting glory.

As God’s image bearers, we are caught in the crossfire.

What i am learning to do is not despise my sexuality or my desire, but rather see them as indications that my heart’s deepest yearning is for Eternity, which only God can satisfy. I am also learning that porn and lust, being the demanding idols that they are, steal life and joy rather than give it.

What i really want, porn and lust cannot give me.

i am aching for Eternity.



6 Responses to “Aching For Eternity”

  1. george spaulding

    Thanks, james-me too! ‘Even so, come Lord Jesus’ Revelation 22

  2. heathenmichelle

    Thank you for sharing this perspective. It is so enlightening to read a man’s point of view. I never thought of it this way, instead, as a woman – I took those actions personally. Thank you for being brave enough to show this vulnerable side.

    • james tarring cordrey

      thanks for reading. i am glad that it helped in some way. i am sorry for your pain and loss, and i hope you find the wholeness and freedom your heart longs for.

  3. Brian Shannon

    Hey James, I love how you so clearly name our shared ache for Eternity, and that you are not despising particularly sexual desire, but honoring it as an invitation to explore the deeper hunger! You are a brave and courageous man!


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