Nice Guys Watch Porn

Nice Guys watch porn.

They aren’t the only ones, of course, but they do watch it. And when you think about it, the whole thing makes sense.

Nice Guys have mastered the art of posing for the world. They know what to say, or not to say, to guard their reputation — even if that means telling a lie to make sure that someone thinks well of them. Especially if it means telling a lie to make sure that someone thinks well of them.

They are more concerned with being polite than telling the truth. They lack confidence to stand on principle if it means dealing with the disapproval of others.

Nice Guys know exactly how to defer to everyone, which seems noble until you examine the root of the deference. The deference is based on fear; the fear that if you don’t defer you will lose the security of the affirmation and validation you desperately seek.

Nice Guys will say all the right things, or seemingly right things, while internally they stew and fume with anger. Nice Guys always talk a good game, but they don’t follow through.

In fact, their niceness prevents them from following through because nice guys are, at heart, passive guys who watch others live life and make excuses for themselves. Nice Guys will tell women what they want to hear; they will publicly agree that misogyny is wrong; they will seem so sympathetic to women, but secretly they will hate and resent women.

And so, porn.

Porn is perfect for Nice Guys. It’s passive. It makes you feel like a man without having to actually be one. It is an avenue for anger towards women, and it is a way to act on the resentment Nice Guys have for them. It’s a form a punishment against those women.

Porn is revenge for the expectation and burden of having to be nice. Porn is access to all the women you know you could never get in real life. Porn is medication for the pain in your soul that is bound to the shame you feel, which fuels a large portion of your niceness.

Porn is the lie that Nice Guys want to believe.

i know, because i used to be a Nice Guy, and i speak with Nice Guys all the time who are trapped in their compulsive sexual behavior.  When i was trapped in niceness and porn i was constantly striving to win the approval of others, whatever the situation. i was constantly aware of how i should appear, or seem to be.

And, like all Nice Guys, i had a secret, double life of porn indulgence. Being nice was the mask i wore so that nobody would ever know how selfish and angry i was. Niceness was the mask i wore so that nobody would ever know just how much i used and disrespected women.

As a Nice Guy i was hounded by the constant need to be nice which i hated. At the same time niceness was a pose that i used to get through life, so i found a way to make the thing i hated work for me. And so, in a twisted way, i grew to like it.

So i justified my porn use.

The dilemma i had, which all Nice Guys have, is that i was fatigued by niceness while i was simultaneously losing the strength of character needed to be compassionate, kind, and unselfish.

In fact, the burden of the former was the fertile soil in which the latter grew.

Men who feel a macho sense of entitlement don’t experience the fatigue of niceness. They have rejected the pretense of niceness and they have embraced a Bro Culture perspective that they consider a license to openly indulge their masculine lust.

Watch porn? Of course. Not only is there no need to lie about watching porn in Bro Culture, watching it is actually a badge of honor — it’s a sign that you are in fact a Bro.

The crisis of masculinity in our time is that we have many Nice Guys, and just as many — if not more — Bros, but we have few Good Men.

In both cases, whether it’s Nice Guys who are trapped in niceness, or Bros who have rejected niceness, we have two groups of guys who are growing increasingly calloused. The core beliefs of both groups are grounded in self interest at the expense of others.

Self-centeredness of this kind is what takes hold in a man’s life when there are no good examples of healthy, purposeful, strong masculinity available for men to learn from.

Without the presence and influence of Good Men, masculinity defaults to pornography and violence.

That kind of masculinity exacts a heavy price on women. Ironically, that kind of masculinity also takes a toll on Nice Guys who don’t really have a place in a violent world. But Nice Guys, like all chameleons, usually find ways to fit in and get along.

Good Men, however, make a huge difference. It’s not that Good Men are perfect, it’s simply that they are living in a story that is larger than themselves. Jesus was like that.

Not concerned at all with being nice, Jesus was incredibly compassionate and kind. He knew when to use strength and when to restrain His power. Rather than being self-centered, we know from Philippians 2 that He did not consider equality with God something to be grasped and so He emptied Himself and served humanity.

Niceness won’t make us Good Men, Jesus-shaped kindness will. As that takes shape in us there will be less and less room for porn.

 

 

 

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