One of the many powerful things that happened for me at the Wild at Heart Boot Camp last week was taking time to go deeper with God and examine agreements i had made with lies spoken to me over the years.
They were subtle, and buried in places that required excavation. Prior to going to boot camp i had already done a fair bit of exploring and healing in my life with regard to such agreements, but God told me there was unfinished business for me as well.
And some of the agreements that i realized i needed to break are classic ones for addicts, especially those who are addicted to pornography.
For example, porn addicts are men who are taking their search for Life and Validation as men to The Woman. And i definitely did that in the days when my addiction raged.
What i realized last week was that i still agreed with lies about myself: namely, lies that i am less of a man than other men; that i am not enough; and a lie that i am nothing, really. For most of my life i have been agreeing with the lie that “well, i’m not awful,” meaning: i am nothing of value, but at least i am not as bad as i could be.
God exposed that and showed me that i disqualified myself in the way i thought about myself. The result was self-hatred.
Pretty intense stuff.
As i told a friend today, the amount of crying i did in the span of three days was more than i normally do in six months. So i felt a bit wrung out.
But the freedom that comes from breaking agreements is beyond description.